Or so my Eating Disorder told me. I pretty much gave my life to Anorexia, I believed everything it told me, I let it lure me in. The more I listened the worse it got, the iller I became. But I couldn't stop, I NEEDED it in my life, it was my friend, it helped me feel in CONTROL, it helped me EARN 'rest' 'nourishment', and life itself. Albeit if that 'rest' was a 10 minute break from my workout or that 'nourishment' was a tin of kids spagetti hoops and a a few grapes for afters. These little things in life I had to EARN, I had to WORK for. Working out became an obsession, excessively cleaning became a normal everyday thing, I had to do these things, they were rules I had to follow. Nourishment and rest is something everyone needs, I knew that, but when I was in the depths of Anorexia these things I didn't deserve and Anorexia also convinced me I didn't need or want them either because I was 'happy' and 'fine' living in this little bubble of just me & my Eating Disorder. I didn't deserve, need or want love, care, affection, fun or socolisation. These things were a massive no no in my life when I was very ill, besides I didn't have the time for them not with all my routines, rules and rituals. My whole life was literally taken over by Anorexia, everything I did, planned or thought revolved around it.
It REALLY frustrates me when people think Eating Disorders are all about food & body image. There is so much more to them than that. I and anybody else who has recovered from an Eating Disorder has to change their whole mindset and way of life. Lots of people assume that when an Anorexia sufferer has restored their weight they are 'well' again. Now in my case and probably many others I'm not going to deny weight restoration is a very important part of recovery although not EVERYBODY who suffers from an Eating Disorder or even Anorexia is a very low weight (BMI). And to raise awarness those who suffer from Bulima may not be a very low weight (BMI). Awarness needs to be raised around this because so many people hear the word Eating Disorder and automatically assume 'thin, fragile, skeletal' or 'they don't eat, they don't like food, they don't enjoy food'. This is NOT the truth. For everybody reasons for developing an Eating Disorder are different, there rarely is ever just one or two specific reasons. Its rarely a plan, a choice or even something YOU want to do. For me personally, having Anorexia in my life helped me feel worth a life, made me feel like I was achieving something, helped (or so I thought) gain control over my life, weight and eating pattern/diet. I'm not going to lie and say my Eating Disorder didn't start from poor body image, wanting to loose weight and wanting to be healthy. For me, yes that is how it started. But it got to a point where I became obssessed, I felt like loosing weight, abiding by these 'rules' and listening to that voice in my head were the only good things I was achieving. So I had to carry on doing it, if I stopped I was nobody, I was nothing. For a long, long time little did a realise I was slowly stripping myself, my personality and my life of everything. I thought it was making me into a better person, a person who was worth something. My Eating Disorder kept telling me just keep doing what you're doing, one day it will be enough and you can stop. But not yet, not now. So I listened, believing this voice/being was my friend. The people who loved and cared for me could see me slipping away, like I was being dragged into a deep black hole but nothing they said or did made a difference. It got to the point where I was scared those who loved and cared for me were against me at times.
My Eating Disorder was very contradictive, it told me I was a 'better' person, I was 'making big achievements' and if I went against it I was a 'failure'. But then on the other hand I was a 'bad person' and had so much to be sorry for. In someways Anorexia made me feel like I was 'making up for' and 'punishing' myself because I was such a 'bad person' I'll admit I've done some pretty shitty things in my life, especially when I was growing up but did I really do anything that bad that I needed to punish myself to this extent? Yes I did, or so my Anorexia made me believe. I remember being in hospital when I was admitted for NG tube feeding and stabilisation before going to an Eating Disorders specialist unit, this is when the voice got really, really bad. There were times I literally had this 'figure' stood in front of me, it was a black figure with a batton in its hand yelling at me not to take NG feeds and that I was a bad person for trying to fight Anorexia. I would then start chanting, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm a bad, bad person". I actually have some dairy extracts from when this happened. This carried on happening to me for a few weeks and carried on when I was admitted to the Eating Disorder unit too. It was honestly the most horrible, terrifying experience, I hated it. When I started talking to the nurses about it and after I'd gained some weight the figure slowly started to fade away. To this day I'm not sure who or what that figure was but at the time it was very, very real to me. The reason I have spoken about this isn't to make you feel sorry for me but to put across the point that having an Eating Disorder is not simple, its not glamorous and it most certainly isn't as simple as 'they won't eat, or they want to loose weight'. I got the point where loosing weight was just a symptom of something much deeper, I didn't even want to loose more weight and I knew my weight was dangerously low, but I COULDN'T stop.
When I was in the depths of Anorexia I never, ever thought or even imagined a life without it, the thought of not having it scared me beyond belief for many different reasons. I felt like it was my identity, my reason to live and in someways my comfort blanket, my friend. It has taken me years to realise, even after 'recovery' that an Eating Disorder is no friend, its a demon which sucks the life out of you, destroys you mentally, emotionally and physically. And something/someone who does that to me ain't no friend of mine!! So as much as I still struggle with 'myself' and my identity, my life is much better without an Eating Disorder. One day I will be truly proud for kicking the absolute shit out of the illness which almost took my life.
It REALLY frustrates me when people think Eating Disorders are all about food & body image. There is so much more to them than that. I and anybody else who has recovered from an Eating Disorder has to change their whole mindset and way of life. Lots of people assume that when an Anorexia sufferer has restored their weight they are 'well' again. Now in my case and probably many others I'm not going to deny weight restoration is a very important part of recovery although not EVERYBODY who suffers from an Eating Disorder or even Anorexia is a very low weight (BMI). And to raise awarness those who suffer from Bulima may not be a very low weight (BMI). Awarness needs to be raised around this because so many people hear the word Eating Disorder and automatically assume 'thin, fragile, skeletal' or 'they don't eat, they don't like food, they don't enjoy food'. This is NOT the truth. For everybody reasons for developing an Eating Disorder are different, there rarely is ever just one or two specific reasons. Its rarely a plan, a choice or even something YOU want to do. For me personally, having Anorexia in my life helped me feel worth a life, made me feel like I was achieving something, helped (or so I thought) gain control over my life, weight and eating pattern/diet. I'm not going to lie and say my Eating Disorder didn't start from poor body image, wanting to loose weight and wanting to be healthy. For me, yes that is how it started. But it got to a point where I became obssessed, I felt like loosing weight, abiding by these 'rules' and listening to that voice in my head were the only good things I was achieving. So I had to carry on doing it, if I stopped I was nobody, I was nothing. For a long, long time little did a realise I was slowly stripping myself, my personality and my life of everything. I thought it was making me into a better person, a person who was worth something. My Eating Disorder kept telling me just keep doing what you're doing, one day it will be enough and you can stop. But not yet, not now. So I listened, believing this voice/being was my friend. The people who loved and cared for me could see me slipping away, like I was being dragged into a deep black hole but nothing they said or did made a difference. It got to the point where I was scared those who loved and cared for me were against me at times.
My Eating Disorder was very contradictive, it told me I was a 'better' person, I was 'making big achievements' and if I went against it I was a 'failure'. But then on the other hand I was a 'bad person' and had so much to be sorry for. In someways Anorexia made me feel like I was 'making up for' and 'punishing' myself because I was such a 'bad person' I'll admit I've done some pretty shitty things in my life, especially when I was growing up but did I really do anything that bad that I needed to punish myself to this extent? Yes I did, or so my Anorexia made me believe. I remember being in hospital when I was admitted for NG tube feeding and stabilisation before going to an Eating Disorders specialist unit, this is when the voice got really, really bad. There were times I literally had this 'figure' stood in front of me, it was a black figure with a batton in its hand yelling at me not to take NG feeds and that I was a bad person for trying to fight Anorexia. I would then start chanting, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm a bad, bad person". I actually have some dairy extracts from when this happened. This carried on happening to me for a few weeks and carried on when I was admitted to the Eating Disorder unit too. It was honestly the most horrible, terrifying experience, I hated it. When I started talking to the nurses about it and after I'd gained some weight the figure slowly started to fade away. To this day I'm not sure who or what that figure was but at the time it was very, very real to me. The reason I have spoken about this isn't to make you feel sorry for me but to put across the point that having an Eating Disorder is not simple, its not glamorous and it most certainly isn't as simple as 'they won't eat, or they want to loose weight'. I got the point where loosing weight was just a symptom of something much deeper, I didn't even want to loose more weight and I knew my weight was dangerously low, but I COULDN'T stop.
When I was in the depths of Anorexia I never, ever thought or even imagined a life without it, the thought of not having it scared me beyond belief for many different reasons. I felt like it was my identity, my reason to live and in someways my comfort blanket, my friend. It has taken me years to realise, even after 'recovery' that an Eating Disorder is no friend, its a demon which sucks the life out of you, destroys you mentally, emotionally and physically. And something/someone who does that to me ain't no friend of mine!! So as much as I still struggle with 'myself' and my identity, my life is much better without an Eating Disorder. One day I will be truly proud for kicking the absolute shit out of the illness which almost took my life.
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